Friday, June 24, 2011
Looking for a quick, easy, path to financial prosperity? Of course you are! That’s why YOU, need NECROPANTS! What are Necropants you say, and where can I buy a pair of these miraculous garments?Necropants, or Nábrókarstafur, are pants made from the skin of a dead man’s lower torso; and you don’t buy them silly, you make them!
Here’s how it works:
First, you’ll need to dig up a body from a church yard, but not just any body. Remember, the lower potion of the torso must be FULLY intact in order for this to work, and those dangling man bits tend to deteriorate quickly after decay sets in, so don’t go waiting too long after the body’s been put in the ground before you go gettin’ yer “Gein” on. More importantly, always remember that you must first obtain permission to wear your new Necropants from their previous owner BEFORE he’s done with them in order for them to work their magic.
Once an agreeable doner has been found, and you’ve managed to successfully dig up the body, you’ll obviously need to remove your new pants from the previous wearer’s legs. While there are no special rites or rituals required for this step in the process, you’ll want to avoid damaging the pants during removal, which is why knowing how to properly skin and dress an animal carcass, is an advisable skill set to have. Once that job is done, your new pants will be nearly ready to wear!
All you need now, is a coin stolen from the man’s poor widow, which must be kept in the scrotum of your new Necropants, along with a piece of paper bearing the special symbol displayed to the right.
BUT REMEMBER KIDS:These items must remain in the scrotum of your Necropants at all times in order for the Magic to work. Forget this step, or use your new scrotum as place to carry your keys or cellphone, and you’ll just be wearing another man’s decaying junk over your own, and that’s a fashion no-no, not to mention a possible threat to your manhood- and no one wants that.
On a personal note, when shopping for Necropants, I recommend choosing a partner who’s reasonably close to your own size. Pick someone to small, and all your work could be for nothing when you discover that your new pants wont fit! Even worse, pick someone too big, and you could wind up looking fat! So always remember to shop around.